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How To Be Your Best for Your Child who has Autism—Part 2

March 12, 2012 in Articles
Keep Yourself Connected to God

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest… Matthew 11:28(NIV)

You should be commended for the work you do in the life of another human being, no matter whom they are. Certainly, with our children, this is considered the most basic of responsibilities. However, when we find ourselves incapable, or unwilling, to step away from our parental or caregiver roles long enough to find even a moment of quiet time to connect with God, it may be worth asking ourselves how much we believe God is with us and working in our situation. Our emotions may tell us our dependents cannot last one day or even one hour without us, but the truth is they (and you) cannot last without God. Stepping away from a loved one for whom you are caring is not the same thing as leaving them.

We can become so engrossed in our service to others, whether it is for our own child or someone else, not only can we neglect our own needs, but also we can wear ourselves out rendering us incapable of giving them our best. Life can be overwhelming for anyone, but it can be especially so for someone caring for a child or an adult who cannot care for themselves. The call of Matthew 11:28-30 is to “come to Jesus”. The weight of life (anxiety about the future, finances, relationships, or anything else plaguing our mind), can be dealt with by pursuing what Jesus offers.

As a parent of a child with autism, I am always in need of the spiritual rest Jesus offers and the physical and emotional unwinding accompanying it. One of the ways I find it is by sitting with my Bible open, reading, and quietly listening. Afterward, I pray and trust God to bring about the restoration of my soul, which I cannot bring about on my own. In the end, I am in better shape to help those whom I love the most.

It would be great if life agreed to send us only one problem at a time when it was most convenient, but that is hardly reality. Numerous changes requiring our attention will occur—whether unexpectedly or planned. Admit it. It can feel as if life rolls over you sometimes, and then it puts the gears in reverse to make sure you are flattened. Inside, we worry about how it’s all going to get done. What will happen to my child(ren) if something happens to us? What school will they go to next? Will they ever be independent? Will I ever have a “normal” life again? These questions can lead to anxiety and isolation. God wants us to know and find comfort in the fact that He cares for us. “Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

The common misconception in our society that maintains we should be able to make it on our own or stand on our own two feet, does not represent how God thinks about us in our hour of need. He directs us to cast our troubles on Him. Who would say such a thing except someone whose concern for you is unrivaled by anyone else’s?

Depending on the situation, it is possible we may need to talk to a family member, friend, church leader, or professional counselor if we are continually feeling overwhelmed. However, we can also meditate on 1 Peter 5:7 and have confidence as we seek help that God cares about what we are going through, and He will work through people and situations to help us. God certainly does not want us to do it alone.

How To Be Your Best for Your Child who has Autism – Part 1

March 12, 2012 in Articles

Do you tend to feel as if the world can’t run well without you? Does taking time for yourself make you feel as if you’re letting someone else down? Does realizing you need help make you feel like a failure? How you answered these questions is important. As caregivers of children or others with special needs, our schedules can be filled with meeting the needs of others, but devoid of meeting anything beyond the most basic of needs for ourselves. For some of us, this is a joyful, though not easy, labor of love and an enormous part of our self-identity. For others, it is less joyfully embraced— we question God about it and, to some extent, feel burdened by it. This is the first of a two-part article focused on helping you be your best—no matter which category you fall into.

Take Time to Get Refreshed

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. Psalm 23:1- 3 (NIV)

It may be hard to believe, but the world can function for a day or two without you—God is always at work, and He will not let it fall apart. If we are going to effectively care for others, we must first meet our own needs. If you are a make-it-happen, conquer-the-world personality, this may be difficult for you to accept, but it is no less necessary. From a father’s perspective, I tend to view myself as a provider for my family and the person in our home with whom the buck stops. When something—anything—goes wrong, and my wife, eight-year-old, and five-year-old have tried to handle it, but could not, I take the last swing at bat (and, from my viewpoint, I need to hit a home run). The issues can range from a leaky faucet to a broken toy to someone unhappy for any number of reasons. From my standpoint, this is my role. When I do it well, I take pride in it. When I don’t do it well, I feel as if I’m faltering.

As someone who sees himself as a pillar for others to lean on, I can attest it is possible to experience internal conflict when you begin to sense your own gas tank might need filling. You can experience physical and/or emotional fatigue, which can manifest itself in any number of ways (lack of patience with people or tasks, frustration, or lack of motivation, to name a few). And, instead of recognizing it as a time to get some respite, recreation, or sleep, you try to push on telling yourself tomorrow will be better, but it won’t. Whether it occurs in the morning, afternoon, or the middle of the night, you can still feel emotionally fatigued a day, a week, or two months later. You have forgotten what if feels like to be refreshed, and you have given up believing you can be reenergized.

Everyone’s situation is different, and there are some in extenuating circumstances who can’t step away, but most of us just have a hard time comprehending we can take time for ourselves without disastrous results occurring. Remember, God loves your loved ones as much as you do (and more). He also loves them enough to help you slow down to get your needs met. Consider praying for God to help you lie down in green pastures, and to lead you beside quiet waters where He will refresh your soul. Then, look to see how He is doing it.

How Faith Can Be a Fantastic Asset to Your Relationship with Your Autistic Child

December 1, 2011 in Articles

I can’t count how many times I heard from a friend or another person, who knew I have a special-needs child, something like, “God gives special children to special parents,” or “You must be the right people to raise your autistic child. That’s why God gave him to you.”

Anyone who has ever said this to me or my wife usually meant well, although they probably had some sense deep down inside of what a comment like that could potentially do to the emotional stirrings of a special-needs parent. If they were anything like me, more than likely they were just trying to be encouraging at a moment in time when they were unsure of what to say. Whether or not their intensions were good, once the phrase was uttered and reached my ears, I always felt a complex and indescribable emotion run through me, which left me a little confused and compelled to momentarily consider whether or not I believed it to be true.

“Is it true? Am I uniquely equipped by God to meet the needs of my autistic child? Even though I make so many mistakes? I certainly don’t feel any super, special-needs-parent powers at work in me.” After considering this for a few minutes, I would find myself mentally searching for some pattern of progress or development in our son’s physical or cognitive abilities that might be attributed to my stellar, parenting job. Surely this would provide proof that no one else could raise my son better than I do. Rarely, if ever, did I arrive at this conclusion.

What I did find, after some deliberation, was a thought pattern similar to one I had experienced for over twenty years as a Christian, which was: faith is beneficial and necessary for every area of my life. When I look at the description of believers in 1 Peter 2:9 (NIV) that says, “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession,” I experience the same pull to doubt its message as I do when someone tells me they believe God deliberately assigned me to parent my autistic son. It’s almost a spiritual brainteaser to connect a fault-filled person, such as myself, with the description of someone who is holy, royal, or God’s special possession. It requires faith to grasp it.

I found this to be no less true in believing the miracle of the cross as it applies to my life. Not only do I have to grab it by faith, but I also have to hold on to it by the same means. The comfort, confidence, and optimism, which materializes from knowing that something bigger than myself is at work as a result of believing what is written in the Bible, also comes into play in parenting my autistic son. When I’m willing to accept that, despite my shortcomings, God has allowed me to take a shot at parenting my son, I feel a great sense of pride, purpose, and enthusiasm toward the undertaking. This is not ignoring or minimizing the difficulties of rearing a child with a lifelong disability; rather it is deliberately choosing to stop and take a moment to experience what comes when I faithfully look beyond it. At those times, the closeness I feel to my son is indescribable.